Fifty Pounds Down!

Finally, finally I made it to 50 pounds lost! Actually 51.2 :).

It's been a challenging month and a half. I twisted my ankle (um, doing something stupid), and this past week I've had a bronchial thing so my exercise has been limited.

I am thrilled to have hit this milestone. But really I have got to keep moving. I need to get down and OUT of the 260s. I have been in the 260s since March. March!

I'm gonna March on out of the 260s....

I lost 24 pounds...

....from my goal weight! Yes, would've been more exciting the other way, but here's what happened: I went to the doctor and his fancy scale. He re-emphasized that because I've worked out so much my lean body mass is above my goal of 165. The fancy scale calculated that my goal should be 189 which would put me at the top end of the acceptable fat percentage range for a person in my age group. This leaves me with LESS than 100 pounds to go, so I'll take it!

Other stuff - been on vacation with the whole family, which was great. We walked every day in the sweltering heat, but no exercise beyond that. I came back and went to a class I've never been to and now I can barely move. ouch. The food part was challenging; my little nieces and nephews were there so there were all kinds food around that I'm not used to having in the house - cookies, ice cream, etc.

My niece and nephews have the build of their parents - very lean - and they run around all day. I'm glad they are being brought up in a way that shows them how to live in a house with treats. When I read the blogs of dieting parents, my respect doubles. It's hard enough to lose the weight in a house that only has food purchased for me; I can't imagine the challenge of trying to abstain while allowing your kids to have the occasional treat.

For the first time in forever, I feel really motivated to lose another chunk. I've been sitting at this weight forever, and I know that I have to go back to what worked in the beginning.

In the beginning I made dramatic changes to my social life - I stopped going to restaurants, and met up with friends later; I skipped the big crazy parties; I put the kibbosh on drinking. It wasn't that hard since I always felt so fat whenever I went out. But as I started feeling better, I started going out more and more. It's been a very fun summer, but I want more.

So this week I went to one surprise party to which I had long ago committed on Friday night. On Saturday night I stayed in and cooked a healthy meal and cleaned my house. On Sunday I met a friend for a movie. Tomorrow night I've invited a friend over for dinner.

I've also made my menu more exciting, because quite frankly I was bored. And boredom leads to chocolate. More on menu stuff tomorrow.

a sugary tale

For the past 2 days I've had  crazy cravings felt bored with food and been very irritable.  And what's scary to me is that it's not the usual repeat offender of pms. 

Today after pilates, I turned in the opposite direction of home and headed for the candy store and bought 1/4 pound of chocolate peanut butter logs (8), came home, ate them and fell asleep in a sugar haze. The last time I hit this store was on January 23. Then I woke up put on a cute new outfit* and jumped in my car to meet a friend for dinner. 

I found street parking and started to fill up the parking meter until I read that you only had to pay between 9am-6pm.  Dinner was fun and healthy - edamame, simple sushi, water. I headed back to my car and found a ticket for $50 for an expired meter!? 

My nice mood evaporated and I whipped out my blackberry and 1) called the number on the meter to leave a message, 2) took a picture of the 9am-6pm hours posted on the meter  3) we'll get to #3 in a minute  4) got home and sent an email to the meter company with all of the details and 5) went to view the "compliance photo" online of my offense that the ticket noted but of course it was nowhere to be found.

Number 3. On the way home I took a detour to a deadly bakery and got there 10 minutes before closing. And I got FOUR cupcakes. Seriously, FOUR. Buttercream frosting. As I drove home I had to eat one in the car like a meth addict. I have not felt like this (not counting pms during which all bets are off) in forever and I hated it.  

I came home and ate the other 3. Then I ate an apple, which made me feel a little physically better. 

An unearned parking ticket doesn't equal four cupcakes. And to be fair I was already up to no good well before that even happened.... I'm tired and full of sugar and going to bed.  

*which I just got into and would like to continue wearing.

A Few of My Favorite Fat-Girl Things...

Ahh summer...so wonderful, yet challenging for those of us not at our goal weights. Here are a couple of things I'm loving this summer:

1. The Bathing Suit. Let's get this one over with right away. Worth every penny, this top is unbelievably flattering and comes in a bra sizes up to a 38F:

It has underwire in the bra and looks great with a little swim skirt. It is not cheap ~ $65 (make sure you use the coupon), but frankly I just need one really good suit at this point.

2. The Fake Tan. I have very pale skin, and in the summer I like a little color. I don't like to tan, so I've tried self tanners, spray tans, etc. They are okay, but this is my absolute new favorite:

It is SO flattering on the skin - as light or as dark bronze as you want, with a gentle shimmer. It definitely makes my arms and legs look more defined and slimmer. Plus, you can't screw it up since it's body makeup. Once you put it on it sets and doesn't come off on clothes, but it does come off easily in the shower with soap and water. Also, it smells yummy! Again, not cheap at $38 per bottle, but a little goes a long way.

3. Cute, Comfortable Shoes. And on sale!

These Bandolino Ornella Wedge Sandals are $31 down from $70. I have them in 2 colors and wear them everywhere. I can stand in them for hours. So comfortable and cute. Get them here. 

One Pound

I lost a pound. It took me 3 1/2 months.

Yes, kind of discouraging! I'm eating heathily, and exercising consistently. Where is the scale love?  Just how efficient is this body of mine?

I am getting smaller, which makes me happy - a week I had to suit up for an interview and was really surprised to see how much bigger my skirts and jackets had gotten. Then of course I had to go through my entire closet, and found that I could fit into all kinds of stuff that hasn't fit in years, and definitely didn't fit 2 months ago at this same weight. 

I also had an interesting doc's visit. My doc has one of those expensive scales that tells your fat percentage (i.e. not the $120 tanita kind some of us have, but yet it's not the super accurate dunk tank either). When I started I was 314 lbs and 52% body fat. The nurse explained that fat people are always dehydrated because you should be approx 50% water, but when you have too much fat,  the fat takes the place of water and sometimes muscle (sometimes fat people actually have enough muscle - from working out and/or from supporting fat). The remaining 48% of me was lean, or muscle and bone.

So recently, I weighed and mentioned that I was having trouble losing and the doc asked me my goal weight and I said 165ish and he said that wasn't possible at this point. I explained that I'd weighed 160s-180s  for years, etc., and he said that as of now, my lean body weight is now 168 (62% of me) - that's how much my muscle and bones weigh. 

If anyone has a great story of breaking through a plateau, I'm all ears!

In other news - I did get that job offer. And I thought it was a bad offer and I turned it down. So I'm doing some consulting in the meantime. 

A Terrible Coincidence

Last week I was stuck on the subway, and was flicking through everyone's "25 things about me" in facebook. One high school acquaintance included that she'd been raped 15 years ago. I had actually heard the details of the story all those years ago - a random stranger break-in while she'd been sleeping, her roommates sleeping through the whole attack, a friend of a roommate eventually busting in the room before the attacker could kill her - but I never knew it was this girl I knew.

I was horrified all week, and ached for her.  And then I read about a horrible rape story that also stayed with me, and bizarrely, I began to feel more and more anxious that a third rape-related thing was going to a happen in my world. I was nervous all week, checking locks, looking behind me. Yet, when the third thing did happen, I wasn't at all prepared.

Two nights ago I got together with two girlfriends for a glass of wine before we planned to see a new art exhibit. As we laughed and chatted one friend mentioned a legal issue of the past, and when it was clear I didn't know what she was talking about, she turned to me and said, "I was attacked." 

I didn't quite understand what attacked meant at first - jumped on the street? verbally harassed? robbed? beaten?  - so my full understanding, and horror, came in waves. But eventually I pieced it together: she was home alone, her roommate at the time (the other friend we were with last night) was out, the back door had a broken latch that the landlord never quite fixed correctly, a serial rapist broke in and raped her.

The evening took a different turn after that: no art, more wine. Later on the bus home she said to me, "you really never knew?" since I'd known her at the time of the attack, and since we have an extremely close mutual friend. "No, " I said, "Mutual Friend loves you, and would never tell your personal business to me." Then she said, "I don't want you to think differently of me, or feel badly for me."  I said, "I already thought you were this funny, smart, interesting, amazing person. And now I think - you are all that AND all the time I knew you, you were surviving, and recovering, and testifying and putting this guy away for life. I do think differently of you. I think you are so incredibly strong. Also, we just missed our stop." And then we laughed hysterically. 

The terrible coincidence is not that I learned of the two similar attacks on friends in the same week. It is this:  Five years ago, I'd gotten home late from traveling and after my cab dropped me off, I decided to walk to the nearest 24 hour drugstore to get a battery for my scale (pathetic, I know). 

My neighborhood is usually pretty hopping so I thought it was no big deal. But it was midnight on a Sunday and very quiet. As I turned back down my street and reached for my keys, I became aware that someone was behind me, waiting to follow me in to my building. When I turned around, there was an attractive, 30ish, clean-cut hispanic man who spoke with an accent and said, "no no, it's okay, I just want to take a picture of your shoes." I said, "What?! No way, dude!" and pulled the door closed behind me. The next day I told my friends at work and we laughed about the foot fetishist wanting pictures of my size ten feet in ordinary flip flops. 

The next night I went home and saw on the news that the serial rapist who'd been terrorizing the women of my city had struck again the previous night in a certain neighborhood. They described him: hispanic accent, clean-cut, 30ish. They showed a drawing. It looked and sounded just like the guy who'd approached me. And then I realized he didn't want a picture of my lovely feet. He was just waiting to come into my building and attack me. When I had turned and noticed him, he used the photo as a reason for me to let him in.  I called the police and gave the info. 

As my friend told me the story of her attack, I realized that she was the woman he raped that night. Same date, same neighborhood. 

Instead of me, her. My good friend.

And even though I realize this is not a rational way to look at it, all I can think is this:  I was awake and alert, 314 pounds 5'9". She was sound asleep in her bed,  5'0" 100 pounds. Wouldn't I have stood a better chance against him than she? 

 

No job offer and a breakup

This has been a rough week. Not actually food-wise since it's been one of those RARE instances when I'm too stressed too eat. 

This obviously does not happen a lot.

First, I've been interviewing for a position for which I've been told  - both by the hiring VP and the HR VP - I am being offered. They've told me this in vmail messages and phone conversations. Except the formal offer never comes; I never hear numbers or get anything on paper. On Monday I was told I'd get an email with numbers first thing Tuesday am. I have not received anything from them nor heard anything from them since. 

Second, my official breakup with the guy I was dating was on Tuesday (big day, Tuesday). There have been things that led up to it which I didn't feel like posting about. He handled it very well, and it's not like I'm the love of his life. I know I did the right thing, but I am sad and I miss him. 

All of this happened during a bad week of PMS, making it all so much worse.

I went to dinner with a friend last night and came home to find a big spider in my bedroom. After I screamed, freaked out and killed it, I finally cried. Because all I could think was, "Am I going to have to be the one to kill the scary spiders for the rest of my life?" 

Anyways, today I got up, met my friend at the gym, came home and made the calls I needed to make - to the company with the elusive offer, to the other companies who knew I had an offer pending. The upside is that the stress has made me maniacally organized - I'm a cleaning/organizing/good-will donating fiend. 

I'm going to attack my basement storage. Hopefully there are no spiders waiting for me.